Song-05

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Your Guardian Angel
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

P.S. This is how far i'm going. Hope you feel it.

DX

Relieved

School term ended yesterday, and i'm happy to find out that i'm able to move on. That's gratifying, but that feeling is short-lived. Welcome to the real world, where everything other thing is unpredictable. I've got to engage a tutor to help me gear up for the final lap.

Now, i can go on to fulfil my next dream, or plan of actions. Hope that she will agree! I really do hope to know how she feels; even though there's no action or initiatives taken by me for the past term (or two) doesn't mean i've stopped feeling that eay towards her.

That's about it from me today. Good luck all in your endeavours!

DX

Begrudged

It's very disheartening to be called names by your classmates. It feels alright after they don't call you that and start to give you that little ounce of respect. It's sad that you cannot follow them up. It's surprising to find that a friend (or ex-classmate for that matter) is stuck with that same situation as you. It feels worse that your ex-classmate (or friend, whichever way you look; since you *may* or *may not* be able to stand him/ her) called you the similar name, citing sources of the past year. It feels really terrible that that name is vulgar and is a military term for something that's real bad. It's ignorant of your friend (*supposedly* or *non-supposedly*, since friends are suppose to accept one for who they are, be it good or bad; which leaves me to wonder: is there a tolerance level of acceptance in a friendship?) to not know what you really mean when you have written about the situation you're in, and hope that it goes away. It's a bad move that you write about it, since the real meaning is not being received by your ex-classmate, and instead made known to others who had called you some other name that does not have any implied/double meanings or pun to them; just a matter of good clean fun. It's okay that you have to explain yourself to the other parties other than that friend of yours that you are not referring to them. It's hurtful when that ex-classmate decided to let that other name take precedence of your real name. It's not normal a friend to do that, therefore i'm just curious and puzzled that should i even wonder about this. It's alright that you have to face the world with smiles and laughter though you may be sad and unhappy. It's better to keep things to oneself than to release it, since you got no respect; you shouldn't even try to make things worse for yourself. It's heartening that by writing out your true emotions it is kept in private audience- no one knows. No one cares and no one will take action (or actions for that matter). It's unwitting of one to touch that ex-classmate's raw nerve, and spark off a plethora of hurtful name-calling and targeting. It's wrong to find out from your previous class how or why did they begin to call you that name. It's depressing to find out that they don't know why they do that- by not being able to recall the origins of that slew of name calling mean that they do not take it to heart. By not taking it to heart it means that they treat it as nothing. By treating it as nothing it means that they will do it again. By doing it again it means that other party (or parties) will be hurt. It's right to be civilised and not scold vulgarities. It's going to be uncontrollable, once you blow your top. Since you had contained the hatred, the emotions and the angst seemingly well, once you lapse into rage you will start to recall what series of events triggered this maelstrom of emotions and flow of actions, all of which will only fuel your temper.

I chose to contain my unhappiness, and only release it at the private sphere. However, in perspective, when i on certain occasions that i released it in front of that friend and/or directly at that ex-classmate, i had to tolerate the after-actions too; citing that it is all in the name of harmless fun. Had i not make clear of my stand as to harmful name calling? Had i not tolerate enough of your childish actions and mannerisms? Had i not given you enough "face" to not address this directly in your face (no pun intended- if you're insensitive, i will seek this chance to clarify; since i'm in a rather unfeeling mood i'm not in a right state to even joke)? Considering your age, you should be the one to set an example. There are, in school a great amount of people your junior who displayed maturity of thought and actions, not citing the class. Please. Mature. Otherwise you'll suffer. I'll see to it that you truly do. I'll make sure. "Tolerance" has a limit, though it is a relative term. DO NOT TAKE MY POSITIVE, OUTGOING AND SEEMINGLY WELL-TEMPERED PERSONA AS MY WEAKNESS.

DX (I will still sign off, no matter what.)

Unhappy

Now that the dust's settled, i still see myself in a dire crisis. Facing the problem of not promoting, yet again. However, this time i feel as if something really impaled me. like a pole-arm thrust by a lancer going at full gallop. It hurts and it feels bad. It's a sharp but slow and agonizing. Humiliating. Mocking. Condescending. Yet in me i still hope for salvation.

The school year is ending soon, and i had (self-proclaimed) initiated the intra-class angel mortal game. It's not well received, from what it looks like. Thought that this (first and) last thing i planned for the class is appreciated. Truth be told, reality checked, it's obviously not.

DX

Death

You know, if you see things in a different light, you will be:
-emotionally unstable
-hard to let go of it (or them)
-start to hate yourself, or hate yourself even more
-harbour suicidal thoughts; contemplating your own demise

However, after a while, you might even:
-try to accept yourself for who you are, hence eliminating your suicidal thoughts
-be nonchalant
-be indifferent
-become a sociopath
-make other people worse off, leaving you as yourself

DX

Goodbye

I got retained again. God forbid, but life is bad. I hate it. So much for improvement. I hate myself.

DX

Song-04

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here


Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

Fear

As the days draw nearer to 11102007, i begin to feel more and more uneasy. I start to worry more, and i cannot seem to set anything straight. Darn it, it all feels so strangely familiar...

What will i do if history repeats itself? Where will i go? Who should i turn to? I do not know how. Please, if anything i can do to help myself, i will do it.

Please. Send Help.

DX

Movie

Yesterday, i went for a movie with my best friend. Maybe not a friends, rather buddy. I should say he's like my brother which i never had. We watched the sneak of Resident Evil: Extinction. The funny part of the movie is that for most of the time the two of us covered our ears when the screen is dark, or that they are underground. Well, i guess it's nice to watch horror movies with someone that won't laugh at you, no?

On the point of why he is more than just a best friend and all, is that between the two of us, there are immense trust. i don't know how to say it, but it's like the most important thing between friends, lovers, partners and any other relationships you may come across is trust. I learned a lot of things from him, and he gives me advice most, if not all the time we meet. Surely, such friends are hard to find, let alone come by.

Y'know, i have this something that i really want to tell you guys about. However, it is constantly undermined and stifled by my subconscious. Not now, i guess. Not this time. Yet.

DX

Song-03

And my heart hangs from this noose
Like your footsteps, in crowded rooms
Filled with sweet scents of autumn blooms
Is this what you imagined?

Catch a glimpse from her empty stare
Hidden eyes behind her auburn hair
Catch my breath for the smoke to clear
And it's just as it should be

My best laid plans
Will build and break your heart
Her guilty hands
Tear my whole world apart
My mind keeps racing
She's softly dreaming
I'm scraped and sober
But there's no one listening

And we'll wake up in vacant rooms
Pull you close to my aching skin
Broken glass on the porcelain
Is this what you imagined?

We'll forget what we used to say
And our lives won't mean anything
Pull me close as I drift away
And it's just as it should be

My best laid plans
Will build and break your heart
Her guilty hands
Tear my whole world apart
My mind keeps racing
She's softly dreaming
I'm scraped and sober
But there's no one listening

And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better
And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better

And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better
And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better
And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better
And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better

I'm scraped and sober, but there's no one listening
I'm scraped and sober, but there's no one listening
I'm scraped and sober, but there's no one listening (feel any better)
I'm scraped and sober, but there's no one listening to me at all

Call

another friend: eh, go sing song leh...
me: i thought you got A's to do?
another friend: with A's then cannot relax meh?
me: no lah... hais i very depressed now eh...
another friend: wad? scared getting held up another year?
me: not just that, i can't seem to do anything right... you when want to sing song?
another friend: whenever you want loh...
me: okay tell you next time... should be within this week... bye... take care and jia you...

DX

Lunch

friend: why you so tired today?
me: cos i sleep late... yesterday celebrate father's birthday...
friend: ... say, why don't you take up a sport?
me: i can't run... i run 1 km everyday...
friend: not enough... 1 km is for X country warm-up...
me: ... sian lah... you online everyday since it blows over is it?
friend: yah... then what? you leh?
me: i don't go online as much after it blew over... just nwah... and sleep...
friend: play dota lahs...
me: i'm not good at it, might as well not play...

DX