End

i am super tired of sticking myself knee-deep into things that i can't do. i am super tired of some people. just tired. but i enjoyed the company. hope they will remember me as one who's nice and a pushover. but who hates having a pushover as a higher-up? whatever it is, i love shooting and i will stand by my team and team-to-be to get them to the podium position we've lusted for so long. nothing shall get in our way. except my studies.

DX

Song-10

if i told you things i did before
told you how i used to be
would you go along with someone like me
if you knew my story word for word
had all of my history
would you go along with someone like me

i did before and had my share
it didn't lead nowhere
i would go along with someone like you
it doesn't matter what you did
who you were hanging with
we could stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' 'bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own style
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you

usually when things has gone this far
people tend to disappear
no one would surprise me unless you do

i can tell there's something goin' on

hours seem to disappear
everyone is leaving i'm still with you

it doesn't matter what we do
where we are going to
we can stick around and see this night through

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' 'bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own style
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you

and we don't care about the young folks
talkin' 'bout the young style
and we don't care about the old folks
talkin' 'bout the old style too
and we don't care about our own folks
talkin' 'bout our own style
all we care about is talking
talking only me and you
talking only me and you

talking only me and you
talking only me and you

P.S. i still love you

DX

Song-09

Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.
Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me,
'cause I can't say no.

P.S. ...

DX

Song-08

Listen

Woke up this morning
Heard the TV sayin' something
'Bout disaster in the world and
It made me wonder where I'm going
There's so much darkness in the world
But I see beauty left in you girl
And what you give me makes me know
That I'll be alright

Because if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

You've got me singing
Oh whoa, yeah
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody sing
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody singing
Oh whoa yeah

No if you're ever wondering
About the way I'm feeling
Well baby girl there ain't no question
Just to be around you is a blessing
Sick and tired of trying to save the world
I just want to spend my time with you girl
And what you're giving me
Makes me know that we'll be alright.

Because if your love was all I had
In this life
Well that would be enough
Until the end of time
So rest your weary heart
And relax your mind
Cause I'm gonna love you girl
Until the end of time

You've got me singing
Oh whoa, yeah
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody sing
Oh whoa, yeah
Everybody singing
Oh whoa yeah

This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah)
This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah, yeah)
This one's for the lovers
If you're out there let me hear you say
Yeah, yeah
(Yeah, yeah)

Oh whoa yeah
Oh whoa yeah
Oh whoa yeah
Oh whoa yeah

Cause if your love was all I had
In this life
That would be enough
Until the end of time

P.S. i love you

DX

Fitness

Maybe i should start running 2 times a day to keep fit.
Maybe i should do crunches 3 times a day to lose some flab.
Maybe i should swim 3 times a week to get some body parts working.
Maybe i should do pushups during my free time to hopefully slim down.
Maybe i should have some form of regime during the holiday for working out.

Maybe i shouldn't say maybe.

DX

Knife-point

What do you do when you got a knife against your throat?

DX

Song-07

Well I was there on the day
They sold the cause for the queen,
And when the lights all went out
We watched our lives on the screen.
I hate the ending myself,
But it started with an alright scene.

It was the roar of the crowd
That gave me heartache to sing.
It was a lie when they smiled
And said, "you won't feel a thing"
And as we ran from the cops
We laughed so hard, it would sting

Yeah yeah, oh

If I'm so wrong (so wrong, so wrong)
How can you listen all night long? (night long, night long)
Now will it matter after I'm gone?
Because you never learn a goddamned thing.

You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong,
This never meant nothing to you

I spent my high school career
Spit on and shoved to agree
So I could watch all my heroes
Sell a car on tv
Bring out the old guillotine

We'll show 'em what we all mean.

Yeah yeah, oh

If I'm so wrong (so wrong, so wrong)
How can you listen all night long? (night long, night long)
Now will it matter long after I'm gone?
Because you never learn a goddamned thing.

You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong,
This never meant nothing to ya

So go, go away, just go, run away.
But where did you run to? And where did you hide?
Go find another way, price you pay

Woah, Woah, Woah, Woah, Woah, Woah

You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong,
This never meant nothing to ya, come on

You're just a sad song with nothing to say
About a life long wait for a hospital stay
And if you think that I'm wrong,
This never meant nothing to you

At all, at all, at all, at all

P.S. POLITICS SUCK!

DX

Return

Back from crashed Internet, but this doesn't make my life even more... hectic? SUPER BORED!

DX

Bored

sian

DX

Song-06

You were the only face I'd ever known.
I was the light from the lamp on the floor,
and only as bright as you wanted me to be.
But, I am no gentleman, I can be a prick,
and I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had is no longer there.

It was the only place I'd never known.
Turned off the light on my way out the door.
I will be watching wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.
You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had is no longer there, longer there.

You saw for yourself, the way it played out.
For you, I am blinded.
For you, I am blinded, for you.

I am no gentleman, I can be a prick.
And I do regret more than I admit.
You have been followed back to the same place I sat with you drink for drink.
Take the pain out of love and then love won't exist.

Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had, everything we had.
Everything we had, everything we had,
everything we had...

I'll be with you wherever you go,
through the eyes of a fly on the wall.

P.S. I just don't know...

DX

Relax

05112007's chalet. Hope won't be wasting time there. I must also remind myself not to spend too much, need to save up... So boring, the holidays.

DX

Thrift

Hamburgers! I'll just save up.

DX

Broke

Shucks! I don't have enough money.

DX

Song-05

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Your Guardian Angel
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

P.S. This is how far i'm going. Hope you feel it.

DX

Relieved

School term ended yesterday, and i'm happy to find out that i'm able to move on. That's gratifying, but that feeling is short-lived. Welcome to the real world, where everything other thing is unpredictable. I've got to engage a tutor to help me gear up for the final lap.

Now, i can go on to fulfil my next dream, or plan of actions. Hope that she will agree! I really do hope to know how she feels; even though there's no action or initiatives taken by me for the past term (or two) doesn't mean i've stopped feeling that eay towards her.

That's about it from me today. Good luck all in your endeavours!

DX

Begrudged

It's very disheartening to be called names by your classmates. It feels alright after they don't call you that and start to give you that little ounce of respect. It's sad that you cannot follow them up. It's surprising to find that a friend (or ex-classmate for that matter) is stuck with that same situation as you. It feels worse that your ex-classmate (or friend, whichever way you look; since you *may* or *may not* be able to stand him/ her) called you the similar name, citing sources of the past year. It feels really terrible that that name is vulgar and is a military term for something that's real bad. It's ignorant of your friend (*supposedly* or *non-supposedly*, since friends are suppose to accept one for who they are, be it good or bad; which leaves me to wonder: is there a tolerance level of acceptance in a friendship?) to not know what you really mean when you have written about the situation you're in, and hope that it goes away. It's a bad move that you write about it, since the real meaning is not being received by your ex-classmate, and instead made known to others who had called you some other name that does not have any implied/double meanings or pun to them; just a matter of good clean fun. It's okay that you have to explain yourself to the other parties other than that friend of yours that you are not referring to them. It's hurtful when that ex-classmate decided to let that other name take precedence of your real name. It's not normal a friend to do that, therefore i'm just curious and puzzled that should i even wonder about this. It's alright that you have to face the world with smiles and laughter though you may be sad and unhappy. It's better to keep things to oneself than to release it, since you got no respect; you shouldn't even try to make things worse for yourself. It's heartening that by writing out your true emotions it is kept in private audience- no one knows. No one cares and no one will take action (or actions for that matter). It's unwitting of one to touch that ex-classmate's raw nerve, and spark off a plethora of hurtful name-calling and targeting. It's wrong to find out from your previous class how or why did they begin to call you that name. It's depressing to find out that they don't know why they do that- by not being able to recall the origins of that slew of name calling mean that they do not take it to heart. By not taking it to heart it means that they treat it as nothing. By treating it as nothing it means that they will do it again. By doing it again it means that other party (or parties) will be hurt. It's right to be civilised and not scold vulgarities. It's going to be uncontrollable, once you blow your top. Since you had contained the hatred, the emotions and the angst seemingly well, once you lapse into rage you will start to recall what series of events triggered this maelstrom of emotions and flow of actions, all of which will only fuel your temper.

I chose to contain my unhappiness, and only release it at the private sphere. However, in perspective, when i on certain occasions that i released it in front of that friend and/or directly at that ex-classmate, i had to tolerate the after-actions too; citing that it is all in the name of harmless fun. Had i not make clear of my stand as to harmful name calling? Had i not tolerate enough of your childish actions and mannerisms? Had i not given you enough "face" to not address this directly in your face (no pun intended- if you're insensitive, i will seek this chance to clarify; since i'm in a rather unfeeling mood i'm not in a right state to even joke)? Considering your age, you should be the one to set an example. There are, in school a great amount of people your junior who displayed maturity of thought and actions, not citing the class. Please. Mature. Otherwise you'll suffer. I'll see to it that you truly do. I'll make sure. "Tolerance" has a limit, though it is a relative term. DO NOT TAKE MY POSITIVE, OUTGOING AND SEEMINGLY WELL-TEMPERED PERSONA AS MY WEAKNESS.

DX (I will still sign off, no matter what.)

Unhappy

Now that the dust's settled, i still see myself in a dire crisis. Facing the problem of not promoting, yet again. However, this time i feel as if something really impaled me. like a pole-arm thrust by a lancer going at full gallop. It hurts and it feels bad. It's a sharp but slow and agonizing. Humiliating. Mocking. Condescending. Yet in me i still hope for salvation.

The school year is ending soon, and i had (self-proclaimed) initiated the intra-class angel mortal game. It's not well received, from what it looks like. Thought that this (first and) last thing i planned for the class is appreciated. Truth be told, reality checked, it's obviously not.

DX

Death

You know, if you see things in a different light, you will be:
-emotionally unstable
-hard to let go of it (or them)
-start to hate yourself, or hate yourself even more
-harbour suicidal thoughts; contemplating your own demise

However, after a while, you might even:
-try to accept yourself for who you are, hence eliminating your suicidal thoughts
-be nonchalant
-be indifferent
-become a sociopath
-make other people worse off, leaving you as yourself

DX

Goodbye

I got retained again. God forbid, but life is bad. I hate it. So much for improvement. I hate myself.

DX

Song-04

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

I shouldn't love you but I want to
I just can't turn away
I shouldn't see you but I can't move
I can't look away

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

It's getting hard to be around you
There's so much I can't say
Do you want me to hide the feelings
And look the other way

And I don't know how to be fine when I'm not
'Cause I don't know how to make a feeling stop

Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

This emptiness is killing me
And I'm wondering why I've waited so long
Looking back I realize
It was always there just never spoken
I'm waiting here...been waiting here


Just so you know
This feeling's taking control of me
And I can't help it
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now
Thought you should know
I've tried my best to let go of you
But I don't want to
I just gotta say it all
Before I go
Just so you know

Fear

As the days draw nearer to 11102007, i begin to feel more and more uneasy. I start to worry more, and i cannot seem to set anything straight. Darn it, it all feels so strangely familiar...

What will i do if history repeats itself? Where will i go? Who should i turn to? I do not know how. Please, if anything i can do to help myself, i will do it.

Please. Send Help.

DX

Movie

Yesterday, i went for a movie with my best friend. Maybe not a friends, rather buddy. I should say he's like my brother which i never had. We watched the sneak of Resident Evil: Extinction. The funny part of the movie is that for most of the time the two of us covered our ears when the screen is dark, or that they are underground. Well, i guess it's nice to watch horror movies with someone that won't laugh at you, no?

On the point of why he is more than just a best friend and all, is that between the two of us, there are immense trust. i don't know how to say it, but it's like the most important thing between friends, lovers, partners and any other relationships you may come across is trust. I learned a lot of things from him, and he gives me advice most, if not all the time we meet. Surely, such friends are hard to find, let alone come by.

Y'know, i have this something that i really want to tell you guys about. However, it is constantly undermined and stifled by my subconscious. Not now, i guess. Not this time. Yet.

DX

Song-03

And my heart hangs from this noose
Like your footsteps, in crowded rooms
Filled with sweet scents of autumn blooms
Is this what you imagined?

Catch a glimpse from her empty stare
Hidden eyes behind her auburn hair
Catch my breath for the smoke to clear
And it's just as it should be

My best laid plans
Will build and break your heart
Her guilty hands
Tear my whole world apart
My mind keeps racing
She's softly dreaming
I'm scraped and sober
But there's no one listening

And we'll wake up in vacant rooms
Pull you close to my aching skin
Broken glass on the porcelain
Is this what you imagined?

We'll forget what we used to say
And our lives won't mean anything
Pull me close as I drift away
And it's just as it should be

My best laid plans
Will build and break your heart
Her guilty hands
Tear my whole world apart
My mind keeps racing
She's softly dreaming
I'm scraped and sober
But there's no one listening

And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better
And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better

And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better
And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better
And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better
And we'll both take our revenge
But we still don't feel any better

I'm scraped and sober, but there's no one listening
I'm scraped and sober, but there's no one listening
I'm scraped and sober, but there's no one listening (feel any better)
I'm scraped and sober, but there's no one listening to me at all

Call

another friend: eh, go sing song leh...
me: i thought you got A's to do?
another friend: with A's then cannot relax meh?
me: no lah... hais i very depressed now eh...
another friend: wad? scared getting held up another year?
me: not just that, i can't seem to do anything right... you when want to sing song?
another friend: whenever you want loh...
me: okay tell you next time... should be within this week... bye... take care and jia you...

DX

Lunch

friend: why you so tired today?
me: cos i sleep late... yesterday celebrate father's birthday...
friend: ... say, why don't you take up a sport?
me: i can't run... i run 1 km everyday...
friend: not enough... 1 km is for X country warm-up...
me: ... sian lah... you online everyday since it blows over is it?
friend: yah... then what? you leh?
me: i don't go online as much after it blew over... just nwah... and sleep...
friend: play dota lahs...
me: i'm not good at it, might as well not play...

DX

Song-02

Everytime that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face gettin clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dust to dawn
Isnt that the way
Everybodys got their dues in life to pay

I know what nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know its everybodys sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life is in books written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know its true
All the things come back to you

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if its just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter, sing for the tears
Sing with me, if its just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

Dream on, dream on
Dream yourself a dream come true
Dream on, dream on
Dream until your dream come true
Dream on, dream on, dream on...

Sing with me, sing for the years
Sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
Sing with me, if its just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away

Conquests

Tomorrow, i will be taking my promotional examinations. I took it before, and it should be fine. I hope. Suddenly i just feel so oppressed. There are no more options left for me, should i still do not make it. Hopefully i will. It is for the greater good, i think. Have i revised? Yes i did. Do i have any applied knowledge? No i do not. That is my defeat.

DX

Song-01

Last night I had a dream about you
In this dream I'm dancing right beside you
And it looked like everyone was having fun
the kind of feeling I've waited so long

Don't stop come a little closer
As we jam the rhythm gets stronger
There's nothing wrong with just a little little fun
We were dancing all night long

The time is right to put my arms around you
You're feeling right
You wrap your arms around too
But suddenly I feel the shining sun
Before I knew it this dream was all gone

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
I wish this dream comes true

Ooh I don't know what to do
About this dream and you
We'll make this dream come true

Why don't you play the game ?
Why don't you play the game ?

Apologies

i guess it would be better to write in proper english. well, not properly proper, as in complete sentences. i got to apologise to you, the reader for wasting your precious time. in any way at all, i still do appreciate you into coming to my silly blog to look at me rant.
i am very proud to have a great friend who constantly gives me advice. however, i got to apologise, i did not engage in the necessary follow up. he hold me of a blog entry - girls like guys who have scars on their face, shoots off vulgarities there and then and not apologise all too frequently. he knew of my crisis, and so he told me about it. he added - chivalry is dead. you are too chivalrous. you belong to the grave. i appreciate his honesty, because not many a friend will sit you down and tell you of your flaws. he, too suggested that should i really want to find out if the other party is into oneself, so to speak; one should try flirting with some other people. it instills jealousy and bitterness, allegedly real signs to fondness of the party. i am not into that kind of experimentation, for i cannot bring myself to do it.
i am grateful for having good tutors, or teachers you might call them. however, i have to apologise, since the hour of reckoning is approaching fast; the harsh reality is coming along too. i wish to be what you desired me to be, but that may be well out of my reach.
i am grateful for having wonderful parents, who gave me this life. however, i have to apologise, i am not living it out right. you can have it back.

DX

depressed

not going to update this for a period of time. no apparent reason. feels sad. more accurately depressed. unable to convey what is sincerely felt. figures. still unable to garner courage to wear aki hoshino tee. not getting rid of it. needs cash. badly.

DX

confused

sabbats choosing time's here. not sure what to go for. hopefully can choose something that's with more familiar people. like familiarity. feels introverted. dislike this introversion. mixed feelings at this point of time. felt renewed faith. reality check almost cancels it. needs cash. quarter of the guardians is out. have to get it. quickstrike. feels desperate. hopes all will be well in the end.

DX

wishes

i wish:
-my life is not so foul
-people on buses (esp. old men) will close their legs/ not open them up too much when they're sitting
-no one blasts their music on their phones on buses
-i can save up more money
-i can be slim
-i can stop people thinking that/ calling me gay
-some people i know grow up and stop pushing their friend/ people they know when the person wants to get to another row
-to learn how to type chinese on the regular keyboard
-to promote with a h3
-that you know i care
-to know how you feel

DX